Excerpt From Shravya Bhinder’s Something I Never Told You

sometimes I still find the odd strand of your hair in my room, but more often clinging to my clothes as a reminder of our time together. The earring that you had lost one rainy night after it was entangled in the button of my shirt, I found it yesterday under my bed, a little twisted because of all the force you had put in trying to get away from me, in vain. The pair of white teddy bears that you had got for me after our last fight still sits on my study table, blaming me for what I had done. Almost every day I find these memories of yours, lost in my room, scattered around me like a web that won’t let me come out of the past. not that I want to, I am happier living caved under these beautiful memories than face the ugly present.

These random things that I find everywhere transport me back into our once beautiful and perfect world—the world before we started fighting, the world before I started ignoring you, the world before I stopped saying, ‘I love you’, the world before ego crawled between us, and our world before last August.

now that you are gone, on lonely nights I play your favourite songs—old Bollywood numbers. These songs remind me of your glowing face, and that pure, playful and infectious smile of yours that I miss the most. I sit all night and listen to those songs, staring at the empty walls in my bedroom which were once filled with your pictures. sometimes, I walk up to the window to witness the busy lives of people who are lucky to be with people they love. The winds which once played with your beautiful hair, turn their back on me in disappointment every time they find me standing alone at the window, preoccupied with gloom.

ever since I have come back to Delhi, I wake up in the middle of the night bathed in my sweat, curled up on the bed, alone and shivering. The bed still smells of you, of the time when you were with me, and I feel safe, enveloped in your fragrance. It reminds me of the dreams we shared together and numerous plans we wove under the stars; the warmth of nights we spent sleeping intertwined in one another, and the nights that we didn’t sleep a wink. Memories of you calm me down and comfort me, but not for long. As soon as I shut my eyes, an unknown force drags me mercilessly into the same nightmares. I relive the horrors again multiple times every single night. I am not complaining about the dreams, for I am the reason why things happened the way they did. I do not mind the suffering, but I cannot bear to see your hollow, empty eyes that look through me. People have been telling me that I do not exist for you any more, but I am not ready to let go; not yet. Because you are still the pivot of my world, and I cannot bear the thought that I do not even exist in yours.

since you left, I have learnt a lot about life and love. nothing is permanent; time changes, and it changes everything around us—sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse—and no one can do anything about it. no matter how much we think we control our own lives and those of others around us, the fact is that we are not at all in control of anything. Without you, nothing is the same. reminiscing hurts me but I need to hold on to these little echoes from the past, or I will go mad with your sudden absence. I never imagined my life without you, and I cannot go back into that reality just yet.

I have learnt only one thing in my life—that we should not stop expressing our love, ever!

After some time together, we usually stop telling our beloveds how much they mean to us. We stop saying, ‘I love you’, and start taking each other for granted. The comfort of company creeps in. In our last few days together, I had entirely stopped putting in an effort into our relationship. I took you for granted, I took what was between us for granted as I never knew that all could be lost in the blink of an eye. The few times when I did tell you how much I loved you, I failed to stand by it. I should have told you more often how much you mean to me; I should have not hesitated in saying the three most significant yet sparingly used words in most modern relationships. I never thought that you could go anywhere, that I could lose you. Destiny tricked me and shook my world. When in love, we should tell our beloved how we feel about them; every day, every hour if we can, every minute if we must. sadly, I realize that you are not there with me so I can rectify my mistakes. I acted like a fool.

life is moving forward for everybody around me, but I am exactly where you left me, for I do not want to move on without you. Days are passing at their usual pace, but I have no recollection of any instances now, for it feels as if I am stuck in a time machine. every time I think of you, I close my eyes and go back in time to the last time I held your delicate hands in mine and tried to search through your eyes to find a way to your soul. All I remember is you—us—and my mistakes. I should have stopped you; I should have let you talk, I should have listened to you. Yesterday, in your eyes I saw nothing. There was nothing in them for me, neither love nor hatred, neither ridicule nor anger.

The image of your face haunts every waking moment of my life. When I look into the mirror each morning, I hate the person who stares back at me. not for what he did but for what he didn’t do when he had the chance. I think just like you, I too am damaged beyond repair.

I pray to god for mercy and wish there was a way to turn back the clock and go back in time. I pray for another chance to relive that fateful night. I want to go back in time and tell you how much you mean to me, how ardently I have loved you all my life and always will. how I wish the walls of my ego had crumbled that night and been buried under the immense love I have always felt for you. how I wish I had disobeyed the devil in me, when I planned to make you suffer remorse for one more night. how I wish I had let you finish what you wanted to say and sealed my lips with yours. I want to go back in time and embrace you, and never let you go. I should have brought you back home with me. I wish that night would come back and give me another chance to make it all right, to hold you tight and to change our destiny.

When I come home from work, I miss hearing you humming as you unlock the door for me. I miss the coy smile which was reserved only for me. Instead of your beautiful presence, I am now welcomed home by emptiness and a house full of memories of you. Your mother took away all your pictures. I begged her not to, but she thought it was for good for both of us. My room is nothing but blank white walls now, and these empty walls start closing in on me as soon as they find me drifting back in memories and thinking about you. My loneliness engulfs me, and the demons take me with them into nightmares. I wish you could come back to me, talk to me, tell me how your day has been and ask me about mine. I want to hear you tell me how much you missed me all day; I wish to kiss your forehead once again. I would do anything to listen to you laugh once again.

I want life to give me another chance to know more about you, your dreams, your aspirations and ambitions, your opinion on things that matter to you and also on the ones that don’t. I know I have made many mistakes, hurt you many times, broken your heart and been mean, but I beg for your forgiveness like I never have. I want you to tell me once that you still love me and do not think that I am the monster I think I am.

As I write this, I know that nothing that I wish for can come true, but I will wait for a miracle to happen. I will wait for you to come back to me, and for us to start our lives from where we left off. I will wait for you to love me back again, even if it means waiting till eternity.